| There I sat in my car, U2 blaring, friend next to me, caught up in the moment. My friend, who had picked the song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” to play off my Ipod, was explaining to me his choice. He was commenting on how very much everyone really is looking for something, whatever it may be, and that recently this song had meant a lot to him. I established that I agreed with him that we all are looking for something and conversation progressed and moved on. I dropped him off and for some reason found myself flipping back to this song to hear it again.
Instantly I knew what I had been searching for. I search for inspiration. Perhaps this does not truly express what I feel. It is, perhaps, better to say I crave being inspired. I remember at some point, back when I wrote in my xanga often, writing an entry where I expressed that I felt that I stood on the cusp of great revelation or inspiration. I remember writing another entry, slightly after, saying I merely wanted to feel inspired again. I never got my revelation or inspiration…never in the magnitude that I had originally expected.
I think I felt that inspiration was what I lacked. I thought that if I could only find true inspiration everything else would fall into place. THAT would be my reason to get my life in order and figure everything out. I would become less impulsive and much more organized. Basically…I wanted a quick fix. Quick fixes are a myth if you want them to be long term.
So here I will say my small revelation for today, as I lack the big one I still crave. Walking through life looking for a huge life changing revelation, for me, is like walking into a thrift store with a clothing item in mind with all the details already laid out (color, brand pattern, fit, etc.). While there is a small chance you might find it (and I am certain some people do) there is a far larger chance that you will not. Also because I walked in looking for just that thing I totally walk past everything else most likely missing something I would have loved.
I want to walk through life loving it. Should I find inspiration that is fantastic! If I do not, and that is a real possibility, I need to be content with that. There is a store FULL of opportunities around me. I can not walk back out to the car before I give it a good look….
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| i didn't mean to forget about xanga...i just did.
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| i'm putting in my two weeks notice at one of my jobs today
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I often think about things during my day and wish to write
about them but when I get home from work I am often much too tired to do
it. Today I will be different. I'll write while tired.
wow...i know...
first off what is the point of a hummer on streets? seriously...what do
you need it for? if anyone knows please fill me in. at night they
shine in my eyes and irritate me.
on a more serious note i was talking with a cool friend of mine. my cool
friend is an athiest. no this doesn't mean she's going to try and trick
you and steal your money. just means she doesn't believe now what she did
when she was younger...and after all who of us haven't had change over time in
what we think?
for those of you that don't know i am a quite liberal christian. over the
past few months i've moved a lot to the left. who would have thought it
huh?
while talking with my friend today i made a comment on how i am not sure on how
real hell is. she said that is how she started. it got me
thinking...am i on the track that puts me at a destination i can not imagine?
i realize her beliefs are hers and her reasoning behind them is hers so i am
not saying i think i am the same as her. i am saying it started me
thinking
in my last bit of doubting i got so scared. i was so filled with
fear. I have always been surrounded by christianity...what would i do
without it? did i come back to the faith out of fear? am i holding
myself at gunpoint, figuratively, to stay where i am because i am so scared of
a change. is fear my only motivator? or do i have more? Are my motivators more spiritual or do I simply
wish they were?
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| i was livid today... i hate being talked down to. i hate hearing in your tone and choice of words you think that because you make more money or have a nicer job you mean more in life and i mean less. forget you. don't talk to me like i don't understand english and give me these stupid mundane things to do that a 5 year old can do. i REFUSE to be spoken to like i never received a high school degree. i'll give you a paper cut with my BA!!! and then pour lemon juice on it. jerk. at what point in his mind does he not realize this is how you lose employees....when you treat them in such a way that i suppose it makes you fell better and sleep better at night feeling as thought you mean something. you are not as important as you act. one is not made important by bringing others down. one is important when you accomplish things and make a difference. the only difference you made today sir is changing my mood from tired to pissed off. i understand you are older...i understand you've lived longer but that doesn't make me a simpleton. so stop it you douche |
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